


Healing Afterall

by breezy8temple



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Japan, M/M, Multi, New York City, OT3, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Suicidal Ideation, Trauma, Yaoi, grieving process
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26983261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breezy8temple/pseuds/breezy8temple
Summary: Ash wakes up in the hospital having been saved from death by a strange woman, Sarah. Who is she and what does she really want?With the help of Sarah, who is determined to see him get a happy ending, Ash struggles with his childhood trauma while learning to love Eiji more deeply.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	1. Waking Up A Husband

**Author's Note:**

> A month after I finished Banana Fish, I started writing this fanfic as a type of therapy. The ending of Banana Fish tore me apart and I can’t stop thinking about it. I think what I find perturbing, is that Ash’s death just seems so meaningless.  
> Banana Fish is ultimately told from the perspective of Eiji, who is the audience stand in. He is the character most readers and viewers will sympathize with, because he is unfamiliar with gang life and Japanese. So, as the story progresses, we view the events and characters through Eiji’s eyes. Ash comes across to the viewer as a sympathetic hero, not a terrifying murderer, because that is how Eiji sees Ash. As we adopt Eiji’s morals and world view, we believe that Ash deserves to be happy and can change his life, because that’s what Eiji believes.  
> But then, at the very end, the author sends a very clear message that Ash can’t change his fate. Although Ash’s death his heavily foreshadowed, we hold on to the hope that Ash won’t die, because Eiji fiercely believes he won’t. But in the end, all his evil deeds catch up to him and the author tells us that Eiji, and therefore we the audience, was wrong. Ash, according to the author, doesn’t deserve to be happy.  
> Well, I disagree. I think Ash does deserve to live in Japan with Eiji. I love reading fan fiction about Ash recovering in Japan with Eiji and my primary purpose in writing this fanfic is to create a personal head cannon in which that happens. However, none of the works I’ve read so far have explored and resolved the effects of years of sexual abuse. This plot point fascinates and intrigues me to no end and my second purpose in writing this fan fiction is to completely explore the question of whether Ash will ever become sexually involved with Eiji.

**Waking Up a Husband**

Ash breaths in the familiar sterile scent of a hospital. He tenses.

“Its ok.” A sweet, musical voice reaches his ears, so soothing. But devils can have soothing voices. “You’re safe.” He doesn’t believe her. “You were stabbed. You’re at Presbyterian Hospital. My name is Sarah Anders. I’m a nurse.” _That explains her short sentences. She is trying to help me understand by keeping her sentences simple and clear. She doesn’t know what my mental state is._ “I brought you to the hospital when I found you in the library.” He feels a small hand gingerly touch the back of his. He instinctively flinches, pulling back. His eyes fly open for the first time.

He is in a spacious, white hospital room. A wide window overlooks the familiar New York landscape. The room has large glass doors too, but the long blue and white curtains are drawn shut. An IV pole and monitor trail long cables across his chest. _I really hate hospitals._ He thinks wryly. Finally, Ash turns to look at the “nurse” who spoke to him. Emerald green eyes meet sea green eyes. Her eyes are the first thing to catch to attention, bright and round with long lashes. Her face is long, but rounded in a feminine way, with high cheek bones and a distinct chin that came to a square point. Her only small feature is her nose which turns up slightly at the end like a button. Her hair is long, fading from a light mousey brown at the roots to a straw yellow just past her breasts. She sits in a large recliner chair close to the bed and despite introducing herself as a nurse, she didn’t wear a uniform, instead sporting a baggy sweatshirt and skin-tight yoga pants.

She seems utterly unperturbed by his flinch and subsequent intense stare. “Can you squeeze my fingers?” Her eyebrows pinch together in concern even as she reaches back towards him, putting her index and middle two fingers in a gun shape into his hand.

She asked him like it was the most normal thing in the world and Ash is so startled, he complies. A broad smile spreads across her face. “That’s good. Strong hands.” Ash notices for the first time the rough callouses on the tips of her fingers and wonders where she got them from. He releases her hand.

He wants to ask her if she is really a nurse, but his mouth is dry, and he coughs violently as he tries to form the words. The woman—Sarah, she said—jumps up and pulls a water bottle off the table. She unscrews the cap and shoves a straw into the water before holding it up to Ash’s lips. “Here you go.” Her voice has a sing-song quality to it. “Don’t tell your nurse I gave you water.” She winks.

 _So, you’re not my nurse!_ He is about to accuse, but instead he clears his throat and just says, “Eiji”.

Her eyes soften and even though he doesn’t expect her to respond, he is surprised when she says, “He is safe. He is in Japan.” He is about to ask how she could possibly know that, but instead she looks up in a panic and leans in quickly, grabbing his arm a bit roughly. “Listen,” she whispers directly in his ears, “I was worried that you might have shot that guy outside the library. I didn’t want to get the police involved, so I told the hospital you are my husband. Ok? Your name is Conner Anders. You’re 25 years old. Your birthday is May 5, 1993. You were stabbed by a mugger on the way home. We didn’t see his face.” She speaks rapidly and then leans back just as another woman, this one in scrubs and sporting a badge clearly labeled “Nurse” slides the glass door open and enters the room. Ash must be have been too drugged up on some pain killer, because he didn’t even notice her approach.

“Oh, you’re awake!” The nurse puts down a few miscellaneous medical equipment she brought into the room, including what appeared to be a bag of deep red blood. “Sarah, why didn’t you call me when he woke up?” The other woman asks accusingly.

“I knew you were coming back with the blood soon, Jane.” Sarah answers smoothly. “How many units did Dr. Chen order?”

“Two. And some FFP.” Jane answers as she absent-mindedly logs into a computer tucked into the corner of the room. “I suppose you have already completed a full neurological exam, huh?”

“Not really.” Sarah answers feigning a worried glance towards her “husband”. Ash decides she is a good actress. He can tell she’s must be faking her way through this conversation, but she seems to convey emotions naturally and deeply. She takes his hand and this time he doesn’t flinch away. Pretending. Faking intimacy. He could do that. “He seems a little bit dazed still.” She says with what appears to be genuine concern. _Yes, a very good actress indeed._

“Let’s see.” Jane says as she walks up to the edge of the bed. “What is your name?”

Ash takes a moment to realize the question is addressed at him. “Uh… Conner Anders.” He says as smoothly as he can.

“What is your birthday?” This time Jane looks down at a white wrist band wrapped around his arm.

“May 5, 1993.” He supplies a bit more automatically. This time, he hears a small gasp escape Sarah’s mouth as she is unable to hide her surprise completely. _She didn’t expect me to remember,_ he realizes with a smirk.

Jane doesn’t seem to notice the silent exchange between them. Instead moving onto her next question, “What year is it?”

“2018.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“Presbyterian New York Hospital.” Ash supplies.

“Well, looks like everything is normal.” The nurse says cheerily. “I’m sure Sarah already told you, but you lost a lot of blood. Dr. Chen was your surgeon who operated on you yesterday. The knife nicked your lung, so we had to put a chest tube on your right side.” Jane pointed at a canaster partially filled with blood next to the bed and for the first time, Ash noticed a tube coming out of his skin just under his rib cage. “You lost quite a lot of blood. We gave you blood yesterday, but your blood count was still low this morning. So, we are going to give you more. Ok?” She worked as she spoke, opening a package of tubing and unwinding it before using the spike to puncture the bag of blood. Despite being somewhat distracted, Ash had never really known a nurse who seemed so… professional. Ash was used to silly schoolgirls asking to see him pee or mean old grandmas who thought they could order him around. Jane seemed to just be… efficient. He decides he trusts her on a whim and nods in acceptance as she hooks up the tubing already primed with blood to the IV on his right arm.

“I guess you can’t sign off this blood with me, huh, Sarah?” Jane says a bit slyly.

“Eh, no. Don’t think that would be allowed. HIPPA and all, ya know?” the woman at his side—his supposed wife—responds.

“Thought not.” Jane sighs, before peaking her head out the door. “Hey, Trevor!” She speaks loudly but doesn’t quite yell. “Can you come sign off this blood with me?” A couple seconds later, another nurse, this time a short pudgy man, walks into the room. Apparently two nurses are required to verify the blood being given is correct. Their interactions transfix Ash. The three nurses in the room chat about their weekend plans and upcoming summer trips while working through the familiar tasks. It reminds Ash… _It reminds me of a gang._ He realizes with a start.

Ash had been in a few hospitals in his life, but he had always been too focused on escaping to ever notice the people who cared for him. _Cared? Is that what they are doing? Caring?_ No. No one cared for Ash except Eiji. Certainly not this too-good actress, “Sarah”. She was helping him by keeping the police off his back, but she must be doing it for some reason. She wanted something; Ash just couldn’t figure out what yet.


	2. Mind Games

**Mind Games**

When Ash was sure the other nurses were gone, he whirls on Sarah. “Why are you doing this?” He musters up the most intense glare he knew frightened even Sing, staring bores into the pretty blonde’s head.

She just cocks her head to the side, as if she is confused. “What do you mean?” She asks, apparently unfazed by his sudden outburst.

“This.” He gestures between them as if it is obvious. “Helping me. Pretending I’m someone I’m not. What do you want?”

Sarah shrugs. “I dunno. I guess I didn’t want to make Eiji wait any longer than he had to before seeing you again.” Ash gapes at her. Hardly believing his ears. Yet, her eyes look filled with concern and sincerity. She seemed so honest. No that wasn’t quite the right word. Expressive, yes that is what it was. It was as if everything she feels is painted on her face for the whole world to see, an ever changing tapestry rapidly cycling through emotions. _But no one is that open. Even Ei-chan gets guarded sometimes._

Sarah stands up, walking over to a large cream purse in the corner Ash didn’t immediately notice. She rummages around for a minute before producing a couple of slips of paper. Ash recognizes what is in her hand immediately and it takes everything in him not to snatch it from her hands. But he doesn’t have to because she hands it to him expectantly. “You missed your flight, Aslan.” He jumps at the sound of his own name, just now realizing the name on the ticket Eiji had reserved for him, “Aslan Callenreese”.

Suddenly, he can’t help himself, he begins to cry. It starts slowly, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. He barely notices as Sarah sits gingerly on the edge of the narrow hospital bed, but he looks up, surprised, when she rests her hand on his blanketed knee. “We are going to get you there. You hear me?” She says earnestly. “You’re gonna see him again, ok?”

Over the next day, Ash learns more about his mysterious savior. She apparently really does work in the intensive care unit at Presbyterian hospital as a nurse but lived in Utah with her husband up until six months ago. Her husband apparently is in medical school at Cornell, which he finds out when Jane asks him how classes are going. In mid-morning, Sarah offers him a kindle and says he can buy any book he likes from the store. _Did she somehow know I like reading?_ No, that is ridiculous. She was just offering him something to do to pass the time. He wonders not for the first time why she is doing all this. He flicks the screen on to find an article entitled, “Neuropeptide Y inhibits the trigeminovascular pathway through NPY Y1 receptor: Implications for migraine”. _The most recent thing she read?_ He wonders. He is quickly engrossed in the article which even he admits is a little bit out of his depth. A genius he may be, but he only briefly dabbled in biomedical science while scouring the data he had collected on Banana Fish and most of that had been information distilled for politicians and potential customers, not meant for scientists. He finds several more articles saved to the kindle, mostly primary research, all dealing with migraine. _A passion of hers?_

He devours them while she reads in the corner by the window. He revises his earlier assessment about her being expressive. That is an understatement. She seems to be overflowing with emotions at all times, unable to contain everything inside of her, it spills over into not just her face but her whole body. Every few minutes his reading is interrupted by her gasps and giggles, apparently reacting to whatever book her nose is stuck in.

Then she starts humming. It comes and it goes throughout the day and Ash wonders if she even notices she is doing it. “She does that at home too, huh?” Jane asks once while hanging another bag of blood. Sarah flushes slightly at the attention. “Sarah says you sing too. And play the piano. She never shuts up about how talented you are.” _So, Conner is a musician._

Sarah perks up a bit, joining the conversation. “He is a musical genius. He taught himself to play, because his parents didn’t have enough money for lessons.” She eyes glow proudly while talking about her husband, but Ash thinks she looks a bit… distant? _Is that the right word?_

Jane just rolls her eyes, “You two are so perfect its sickening.”

Ash thinks Sarah looks a bit young too be nurse, let alone married to a twenty-five-year-old. (He also thinks he looks too young to pass for twenty-five, but no one seems to question him about that fact. He overhears one nurse even comment, “Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said he had a baby face.”) _So, does her husband look young?_ Yet, he never once sees her step outside to take a phone call or text anyone and when nighttime came, she makes no move to leave his side, opting to sleep on the couch next to the window.

“You should go home and get some rest.” He suggests nonchalantly.

“I’d rather stay here. I would worry about my husband if I went home.” She teases lightly, flashing a bright diamond wedding ring.

“Where is he anyways?” He asks on a whim. “Your real husband.”

There is such a long pause before she answers, Ash thinks she fell asleep already. Finally, he hears her reply, quiet, but not quite a whisper. “He’s dead.” _Melancholy._ He realizes. _She looked melancholy._

_Dead?_ He wonders in the darkness of the hospital room. Truthfully, it wasn’t all that dark at all, with the soft flow of the heart monitor, IV “brain”—Sarah had called it—and bright hallway light streaming through cracks in the curtain covering the glass door. _Dead? But she talks like he is still alive. Everyone thinks he is still alive!_ Ash couldn’t figure this woman out at all. She seemed so open and carefree and yet he knew she could easily lie. He had seen her lie point blank to her supposed friends and coworkers. _But that had been to save me from the cops’ questions. Right? Maybe… five stages of grief: first one is denial._ Ash wonders if someone’s denial could be so severe, they ended up pretending that a person was still alive… but for six months? Ash revises his early opinion of her being expressive yet again. _She’s not expressive, she’s crazy!_ Yet, she didn’t seem crazy. Rather, it seemed like she believed the lies she was telling. Ash had heard about method actors who threw themselves into a role so deeply they actually started to believe they were the characters they played. _Is this her way of coping? Replacing her dead husband with me?_ The thought made him a more than a bit uncomfortable, but… _Bargaining. That was the second stage or was that the third stage?_

Ash shook away the disturbing thought. It didn’t seem to fit anyways. She had said she would help him see Eiji again. She wanted him to go to Japan. _Blast! I still don’t know why she wants that! What does she get from all of this? Maybe her coworkers were getting suspicious that they hadn’t met her husband yet._ Yes, that seemed to fit. This was just a way of her continuing the ruse, to continue to live in denial. She would string him along, promising to help him get what he wanted, and in return he would pretend to be her dead husband. Satisfied with that explanation, Ash drifted off to sleep.

Ash woke up to the sound of his own voice screaming, “Eiji!” Alarms blared and lights flashed. He hears someone rush around the bed and reach upwards. As suddenly as they started, the alarms are silenced and lights stop flashing, but Ash’s heart is still beating fast, sweat pouring down his face. A second later, the glass door slides open a bit too rapidly, clattering in the metal frame. A worried face pokes around the corner.

“It’s ok, Bree. He just had a nightmare. I got this.” Ash doesn’t register who is speaking. He can only see Shorter and Eiji, bleeding, dying.

“Ok, if you are sure, Sarah…” Another voice replies, sounding a bit unsure. As the door closes shut, he feels the presence above him, sit gently on the edge of the bed.

“Eiji?” He says weakly. Suddenly light arms are wrapped around him, holding him. He thinks maybe they feel similar to someone he once loved… before…

“It’s ok. He is safe. He is in Japan. You are in Presbyterian Hospital in New York. You are safe. I’m here taking care of you.” _Sarah._ Ash remembers. He lets himself lean into the hug, bringing himself to the present. She continues whispering the comforting words to him. “You are going to see him soon. I promise. I promise.”

It takes several minutes for his heart to slow and his breathing to steady. Once, the heart monitor alarm starts to blare loudly again and Ash almost jumps out of his skin at the noise. “Shit!” Sarah curses quietly as she reaches up to tap the screen. The sound immediately stops and this time no nurses come running into the room. Sarah turns her attention back to Ash, still holding him. They stay like that for some time, before Sarah lies Ash back down on the bed, standing up quietly once she thinks he is calm.

“Sarah don’t go. Stay close.” Ash says on impulse, lightly reaching for her hand.

“Ok.” She says. He can’t see her, but he thinks he hears her smile. She sits down in the recliner and rests her head on the bed, still holding his hand. The silence stretches between them and Ash hears her breathing become slow and steady.

“Sarah?” He starts.

“Hm?” She mumbles sleepily.

“Why are you lying to your coworkers about your husband being alive?”

He instantly regrets asking, but he _needs_ to know if she using him. It is several seconds before she answers, and he hears her shifting positions slightly to sit up. “I’m not good at hiding my emotions.” _Understatement of the century._ Ash thinks. “I can’t hide what I feel for him, so I can’t help talking about him. But I hate the look they all give me when they find out. I hate being _pitied._ ” There is so much venom in her words, Ash is taken aback. “I hate being the _widow_. They all act like he is gone. But they don’t understand, he is still here. He is my forever, even if forever is on pause right now.” _Definitely not looking for a replacement then._ But not quite in denial either.

“Why did you tell me then?” He wonders out loud.

He can almost hear the shrug in her voice. “I felt impressed to. I guess I knew you wouldn’t pity me. Somehow, I knew you would understand.” And to his surprise, he found he did understand her. “You’ve lost people too, huh?” He looks at her, the dim light reflecting in her light eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Hm.” And that’s all that needs to be said. They understand each other. She leans back down, resting her head lightly on his leg. Soon they both fall asleep.

“Hm.” And that’s all that needs to be said. They understand each other. She leans back down, resting her head lightly on his leg. Soon they both fall asleep.


	3. Talkative

**Talkative**

When Ash awakes, he is alone. He is exhausted to the core and his right-side aches. He wants nothing more than to turn over and go back to sleep, but he feels constrained by several wires and tubes snaking over and around his body at weird angles. Suddenly, he is fully alert. He takes a moment to assess the situation, looking for possible escape routes. The window doesn’t appear to have any hinges or latches so that’s out of the question. The only exit appears to be the large sliding glass doors leading into a large spacious hallway. From the narrow bed Ash is laying on, he can see a large circular counter filled with a line of computers. Several men and women in dark blue scrubs sit in swivel chairs chatting amongst each other or engrossed in some project. Only then does Ash remember he is in a hospital. On cue, he notices a nurse leading an elderly man dressed in only a hospital by the arm passed Ash’s room. The nurse catches Ash’s eye and waves at him cheerly before turning to someone Ash can’t quite see behind the central counter. Through the class he hears a muffled, “Room seven is awake.”

Ash sees a familiar brunette nurse walk into view. She smiles at him as she approaches, and Ash remembers her name is Jane. “Morning, Conner!” She says as she slides the glass doors to his room open. “Sarah ran home for a second to shower and gets some fresh clothes. She told me she would be back in a jiff. How did you sleep?”

Ash can only manage a low guttural groan which elicits a tinkling laugh from Jane. “Are you in pain?” She asks, turning to the computer mounted to the wall.

He is, but he doesn’t want to take anything that will make his mind fuzzy. “Its fine.”

Jane turns on him while the computer boots up. “If you wait to take pain medicine until it gets really bad, it will be less effective than taking the medicine early. Its important that we get you up and walking in the halls today, so I think you should take some pain medicine before physical therapy comes to work with you.”

Ash is a little surprised by her comments for several reasons. Most striking was her matter-of-fact tone and careful explanation of the benefits of taking the pain medicine. Of course, he didn’t like pain and frequently joked with Eiji that he was actually quite sensitive, but pain was such a constant in his life, he thought of it as only something to be endured. Pain in of itself couldn’t actually hurt him and he could endure any degree of pain if he had to. But Jane seemed to suggest enduring was not always the best course of action.

Then there was the implication that she expected him to get up and walking. Most of the time it seemed like people around him were telling him to rest, especially after he was injured. Of course, he always ignored them, but still… it seemed odd that this woman seemed to be encouraging his reckless behavior. Like yesterday, he decides again that he trusts her. “Ok,” he concedes, “But I don’t want anything that’ll mess with my head.”

Jane nods in understanding, “I’ll just get you some extra strength Tylenol then. If you change your mind, the doctor also ordered Percocet, which has low-dose oxycodone and Tylenol combined. It might make you a bit nauseous if you’ve never had opioids before, but it shouldn’t make you drowsy or anything.”

Ash only grunts in response as Jane leaves the room.

Ash has taken the Tylenol Jane fetched and is sitting quietly while Jane completes a physical exam when the door slides open again. Jane looks up from where she is listening with her stethoscope to Ash’s lungs as Sarah enters the room with a broad smile on her face. Her hair is wet, but falling long and straight, and her face looks clean and bright, without a hint of makeup. She is wearing a new set of yoga pants with a loose t-shirt and zip up jacket. A large black backpack is slung over her shoulder, plastic grocery bag in her hand, and a set of white earbuds are draped around her neck. “Morn’ Love.” She says casually as she strolls over to the large recliner still pulled up close to the hospital bed. ‘Morn’ Jane.”

She bends down slightly looking at something on the ground by the bed, brows scrunched together, and head cocked slightly to the side. _What is she looking at? He wonders idly. That rectangular canister draining stuff from my lung?_ “Looks like he doesn’t have an air leak anymore. That’s good.” Sarah says to no one in particular. Jane only nods in response, still listening to Ash’s chest. “What was his hemoglobin this morning?”

“7.6” Jane responses.

Sarah nods. “No blood today then. Sorry for one of ‘those’ family members, but could you ask Dr. Chen to order him some iron supplements?”

Jane smiles knowingly, but responds, “No problem, girly.” Apparently satisfied with her assessment, the brunette nurse turns to leave the room. “Just call if you need anything. Don’t forget you’re off duty Sarah.”

Once they are alone, Sarah’s smile broadens. “I brought us some breakfast.” She pulls a long rolling table between them and sets the grocery bag she was carrying on top. Inside is muffins, raspberries, a six pack of yogurt, a box of granola, and finally a couple of bananas. Ash tenses at the sight, but Sarah didn’t seem to notice. “I didn’t know what you would like, but I figure anything is better than hospital food.”

They eat in silence for only a minute, before Sarah’s expression changes from distant to… mischievous? Was that the right word? “Ya know, ‘The Chronicles of Narnia’ is one of my favorite series.” Sarah says out of nowhere.

“Huh?” Ash says confused. “Where did that come from?”

“Your name: Aslan.” Sarah said as if that explained everything. “It’s just, I’ve never heard anyone with that name before. I like it. Did your mom really like those books or something?”

“I never knew my mom.” Ash says flatly.

“That’s too bad.” Sarah says unphased. “Whoever named you must be a pretty interesting person. Naming someone after a type of Christ; that’s either some extremely high expectations or serious faith in who you’ll become.”

Ash was only vaguely familiar with what she was referring to. Of course, he knew that one of the mythical talking animals from the book “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” was named Aslan, but his father had never been the type to read him bedtime stories as a kid and he didn’t see the point in reading children’s books now. Religion was even less interesting to him, with the extent of his religious education being the prayers he heard Shorter murmur to various Saints over the years. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, but somewhat curious, the lynx finally responds, “What do you mean by faith?”

Sarah looked up a bit surprised. “Sorry, I figured you would have read the books before.” Her eyes get that hazy expression in them he is beginning to recognize as her thinking face as her gaze drifts to a spot on the wall behind him. “See… the whole series is a pretty overt metaphor for Christianity and Aslan is this lion who represents Christ. He is presented as this mysterious omnipotent ruler and near the end of the book, he sacrifices himself in place of another character who had previously betrayed him. This is supposed to represent how Christ sacrifices himself for us in order to absolve us of the consequences of sin. He is even brought back to life in end, like Christ.” She lets her gaze meet his once again before continuing, “Sounds pretty weird when you say it out loud, huh? Anyways, I actually always wanted to name one of my sons after the character Aslan sacrifices himself for: Edmund.” The excitement in her voice builds and her eyes become bright and eager. “I’m a sucker for a good redemption arc and I liked the idea of my child being named after someone who changed and grew as a person. I think children need good role models and I want any child of mine to know they can always change their destiny, no matter how badly they’ve messed up in the past.”

Ash always considered himself to be intelligent. Not only did he have a photographic memory, but he had a keen awareness of the world around him. He could read almost anyone as quickly and easily as he could consume advanced mathematic textbooks and was hyperaware of everything occurring around him. More than that, he was a master strategist and excelled at organizing and interpreting high volumes of information. But, listening to this strange woman ramble, Ash felt for the first time in his life… inadequate. “I’ve-” he stammered, “I’ve never thought about things like that.” He whispered under his breath.

Sarah let out a soft throaty chuckle, but it didn’t strike Ash as mocking. She looked almost… embarrassed. Huh, this is the first time I’ve seen her look embarrassed. I wonder why. Luckily for his curiosity, Sarah not only expressed herself non-verbally, but seemed to freely speak whatever was on her mind. “Sorry, I guess I’m pretty weird, thinking about stuff like that. Conner says I’m bad at starting conversations naturally.” _She refers to him in present tense even now that I know._ “I will just randomly bring up whatever I’ve been thinking about recently. But enough about me. Tell me about you.” As if on que she quickly shifted the conversation in an unexpected direction. “How did you meet Eiji?”

“He was visiting America with his photography mentor to document gang life in New York. I am—was a gang leader in downtown Manhattan.” If Sarah was surprised by this revelation, she uncharacteristically didn’t show it. “He took a couple pics of my gang and we just sort of… got carried away." He smiles internally at his private joke.

"So he's a photographer?" She asks, leaning in closer.

"Hm mm. Well, photographer assistant, but he has real talent. I think he'll probably go back to college to study photography now that he is in Japan."

"I wish I could see some of his work. I didn't find a phone on you or anything, but maybe after you get discharged you can show me some of his stuff if you have any of it. Speaking of which, do you need to call anyone? Sorry, I didn't ask sooner." She proffers him a coral colored iPhone from her jacket pocket, but Ash only shakes his head. "Are you sure? I don't know about international calls with my cell provider, but you could Facetime using the hospital's internet."

Ash shifts uncomfortably at the thought of facing Eiji in his state. Knowing Eiji, if he found out he was in the hospital again, he'd probably freak out and take the next flight to New York. No, there was a reason Ash had kept his distance the past several days. It was best to keep his distance for a while, let Eiji get caught up in living his life in Japan, so he wouldn't be tempted to come back to America. _Maybe it is best if I keep my distance forever. Stick to the original plan._ "He lost his phone shortly after coming to America and never got a new one." He deflects. It’s a paper-thin excuse and Sarah seems to know it. He could easily find out his parents' home number from Ibe. He bet Max had a way of contacting Eiji; probably went through all those pleasantries while seeing him off at the airport.

Sarah looks as if she is going to protest, but instead she switches tactics. "What about friends or family members? Surely they're worried about you."

"There is no one to be worried about me." Ash said flatly.

For the first time, Sarah's carefree demeanor changes to reflect a deep hurt. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed." She says like wounded puppy and Ash feels guilty for being so harsh.

He sighs, exacerbated. _Jeesh, she reminds me of Eiji when we first met._ "Why are you saying sorry? You didn't know." He says, bit more annoyance than he meant to slipping into his voice. 

"Yeah, but I could tell you didn't really want to call anyone. I shouldn't have pried."

An awkward silence lapses between them as he doesn't know how to respond to her frank apology. _Has anyone truly apologized to me?_ Eiji apologized incessantly, but he never truly did anything wrong. Breaking him out of his stupor, a more timid Sarah asked innocently, "What did you end up reading yesterday? It looked like you were totally engrossed."

"Huh? Oh, just those articles you had on migraine pathology."

Sarah chokes a little on the parfait she had thrown together from the yogurt, granola, and fruit she’d brought. "Why would you read that?!" She asks incredulously.

He shrugs. "It looked interesting. Why did you have them on your kindle?"

She cocks her head to the side as if studying a strange caged bird. "Most people think that sort of reading is dry." She says dodging his question.

"Guess I'm pretty weird." He smirks, quoting her early line. She smiles back at this. "But you didn't answer my question. Are you in school or something?" He guesses.

"Not exactly. I was going to be... before... Well, Conner and I dreamed of working in a neurology clinic together. I was suppose to start my doctorate last fall and Conner really was going to go to medical school." Ash rests his head against the back of his hand, pausing his consumption of raspberries and settling into the story. Sarah seems to take very little probing to start rambling. Not that he minds. A soft smile crosses his face as Sarah gets that dreamy far off look in her eyes that he is beginning to become familiar with. "We dreamed of specializing in headache and I got in the habit of reading the latest research. I think I still want to do it--treat migraines--but... without Conner... it just doesn't make as much sense to rush back into school and go into all that debt. I'll probably reapply in a few years after I've saved a little more."

"That's really... cool." Ash says, surprising himself a little. People with ambitions always seemed like bad news to Ash. Ash smiled internally, _I guess that includes me. Look at where my ambition to take down Golzine got me._

The sea green eyes refocus on Ash, "What about you? What do you dream of doing, Aslan?"

"Ash." he says dodging the question.

"Huh?"

"My friends call me Ash."

Sarah smiles, but Ash isn't quite sure why. "Ok, Ash, what do you think you'll do once you get to Japan?"

"I'm not going to Japan." Ash makes his decision on the spot, but it feels right. Eiji would never be safe around him; violence would always follow him. Lao proved that.

Sarah's face softens, but her voice is strong and authoritative. "Yes, you are."

Anger suddenly grips Ash, burning his cheeks a bright red. Who they Hell was this chick anyways to be ordering him around?! She didn't know a damn thing about him! "No, I'm not." He bites back.

"Eiji-" Sarah starts calmly.

"Eiji was wrong!" He interrupts, "He was just being a sentimental fool by buying _me that plane ticket. I could never have gone! I don't even have a passport!" It's true, Ash realizes. What was I planning to do that day anyways? Why was I running towards the airport? I couldn't have gotten on the plane even if I had wanted to. Did I just want to say goodbye? Stupid. Risky and stupid._ Ash suddenly feels guilty for shooting Lao. He had actually helped him out in a strange sort of way. _Eiji might not have gotten on that plane if I had shown up._ Ash chuckles mirthlessly.

Instead of a hearing a reply, Ash feels calloused fingers brush his arm, landing on his hands, clasped in anger in front of him. She slowly pulls the fingers apart, massaging his palm until his tension fades. He feels the crease in his brow softening. "I may not know much about you, Aslan Callenreese, but I know one thing for sure." She says softly, bringing her face close to his, until their foreheads almost touch. "There is someone out there who loves you and I can tell you love them too. His soul may be always with you, just like Conner is always with me, but... I for one would give anything-risk anything-to live my dreams with the one I love." Her eyes become watery with unshed tears. "To hear him play the piano again or fiddle with his guitar, lecturing me about music theory." She smiles at the thought, but it is a sad smile that doesn't reach her misty eyes. "To sing our favorite duets again. To read a new book together, get lost in a deep discussion of its themes and discover together what it all meant. To learn new games together and dance in the kitchen with him." Tears flow freely down her face now, reddening her cheeks and nose, but she doesn't look away from Ash, holding his gaze purposefully even as her voice cracks. "To talk about our big plans for the future and how we are going to raise our children. To muse about our deepest thoughts and beliefs about God and life. Even… I would even give anything to fight with him again. To argue about who is right and who said what." Something seems to breaks inside her as a line of clear drainage from her nose reaches her lip. She squeezes her swollen eyes shut, unable to keep her gaze fixed on Ash any longer. "To forgive each other for those stupid fights and promise to be more patient and listen better next time."

Something clicks inside of Ash's brain and he thinks he finally understands this strange woman who forced herself into his life. On impulse he slides the table between them away and tugs on her hands still clasped tightly in his. She falls out of her chair and onto the narrow hospital bed, letting him pull her into a hug even as she collapses into a fit of cries. Ash has never comforted anyone before, but it feels natural now to hold the sobbing girl in his arms. "It wasn't enough, God." She whispers so quietly he almost doesn't catch her words. "It's not enough to just feel loved. I can't- I can't go on like this. Please- please- oh God please."


	4. Smiles and Revelations

**Smiles and Revelations**

“Do you like board games?” Sarah asks after physical therapy that afternoon.

“What? Like monopoly?” Ash cringes, thinking about the one-time Griffen had coerced him to play the silly game as a six-year-old just a few weeks before he was deployed. Ash had found the game repetitive and extremely dull, but looking back, perhaps Griffen was just trying to be a good older brother.

Sarah just chuckles under her breath. “No. Not that stupid game.” She smiles. “Uh, more modern strategy games. Like, um… Settlers of Catan is one that a lot of people know, but that’s not really one of my favorites. Dominion is another popular one. 7 Wonders? Azul? Stuff like that.”

Ash just stares. “I’ve never heard of any of those. I… I’ve never really played any games as a kid.” _Why would I?_ Playing board games was something normal kids did, kids who had free time. Ash ran away from home at only eight and had become Golzine’s personal pet shortly after. His time was spent learning about wines, combat, business, and politics, not playing games.

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about kid games, although I guess playing them is a pretty geeky hobby… Conner and I like board games. We collected so many over the years, but I hardly have anyone to play with anymore. They’re a good pastime for the hospital if you’re interested. I’ll bring a few over tomorrow, yeah?”

“Uh, sure.” Ash shrugs before returning to most recent article he was reading on Sarah’s kindle, “Interictal increase of CGRP levels in peripheral blood as a biomarker for chronic migraine”.

‘A few’ games, apparently meant two whole stacks. “I couldn’t choose, so I brought all of my favorites.” Ash wasn’t even sure how she had carried all of the boxes by herself. She had left to shower and had come back before he had even woken up. “This one is my favorite” she says, pointing at a large white box with the words _Spirit Island_ scrawled on all four sides. “Its cooperative, so we both play against the board. But we should start with an easier and faster game first, to see if you even like this kind of thing.” She smiles broadly, clearly excited, and Ash decides to give it a go. He didn’t have anything better to do.

The first game he learns is a fast-paced card placing game called _Race for the Galaxy_. Ash picks up the rules quickly, but Sarah is more familiar with the cards and easily wins the first match. The game only lasts forty minutes after she explained the basics and Ash is eager to try again. However, the cheerful blonde turns out to be more ruthless than Ash expects, upping her game the second time round. He loses even more pitifully than the first time as she hoards cards he needs rather than discarding them.

“Sorry.” She says grinning. “Guess I shouldn’t be so cut-throat. Conner always told me to go easy on beginners, but I just can’t help myself.” She cocks her head innocently.

Gritting his teeth, he determines to beat her. “Let me try again. This time, I’m sure I’ll win and don’t you dare go easy on me.”

She laughs lightly. “Ok, I won’t.”

Weighing his options and carefully planning his moves in advance, he creams her in the third match, ending the game in only twenty minutes with a score of 63 to 37.

Sarah smiles broadly, not seeming to mind losing. “You won! That was fun; thanks for playing with me. So, what do you think? Do you like it?” She asks as she begins collecting the cards into the navy-blue box decorated with constellations.

“Yeah, I guess I do.” Ash whispers. As a slight smile spreads across his face, her sea green eyes grow wide. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” He asks, confused by her reaction.

“Nothing, it’s just… That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile.” She continues to stare at him with wide eyes, apparently amazed by this recent development.

Ash relaxes his face and returns her gaze with a flat look. “Don’t get used to it, ok?”

She giggles. “And why might that be? Worried Eiji won’t like you anymore if you shed that grumpy façade?” She teases.

Ash huffs, puffing his cheeks out at her comment. “Eiji happens to find my angsty vibe charming, I’ll have you know.”

“Well, I guess I shouldn’t corrupt you too much, otherwise Eiji won’t be able to recognize you.” She smiles, but Ash’s mood turns sour at her offhanded comment about meeting Eiji again.

“I already told you, I’m never seeing Eiji again.” He says tersely between his teeth.

Sarah pauses her soft snickering for only a moment, before a sly smile spreads across her face. “Hm… Then I guess I can corrupt you as much as I want. How about another game?” She says as she pulls out another box, this time covered in multi-colored diamonds.

Ash welcomes the distraction, a weak smile on his face. “Ok.”

They only have time for one round of the new game, _Azul,_ which Ash wins, before Jane returns to tell them that “Conner” has been moved out of the intensive care unit. After a quick lunch, Jane and Sarah gather up all of “their” belongings and Ash is pushed in a wheelchair to his new room. This one doesn’t have the large sliding glass doors and Ash finds he appreciates the privacy. He also doesn’t have the continuous monitors on him in this new room, leaving the chest tube as the only permanent attachment still on his body.

“So, you’ve never played board games before. What do you like to do for fun?” Sarah asks once they are settled in their new room.

“Fun?” _This girl really doesn’t get what kind of life I’ve had, does she? How could she though?_

“Yeah, you know, sports, hobbies, past times.”

“I guess I like reading.”

“Hm” She smiles, getting a far away look again, as if she is thinking deeply about something. “That makes sense, seeing as I found you in the public library. I like to read too. What is your favorite genre?”

Ash shrugs. “Anything useful. Biographies, commentaries, analyses, news, research, textbooks. Stuff like that.”

Sarah crinkles her nose, grimacing. “Don’t you ever do anything frivolous?”

_Frivolous._ Ash thinks for a minute. “The gang and I shoot pool,” Sarah brightens a little. “but I think I mostly played because it was expected of me.” Sarah sighs, a little exacerbated.

“You, my friend, need to loosen up a little. Come on, lets dance.” She starts to pull Ash out of the bed, much to his alarm.

“Wait! Wait! Won’t I pop a stitch or something?”

“Nah, that’s just an old wives’ tale. There usually has to be internal pressure in order to dehisce a wound not on a moving joint. Just don’t bend over and you’ll be fine.” She reassures, pulling him up, before tapping her phone to turn on soulful song he has never heard before. He grimaces as the sharp stabbing pain in his side returns. “We’ll take it easy; I promise.” She smiles deeply as the verse begins and a rich black female voice sings the first line.

“ _I know how to love. And I know who I am. Come on let me love you a little. And help me understand.”_ Sarah sways slowly to the beat, hanging her head low and letting her long ashy locks obstruct her vision. She holds his hands, swaying them with the music, encouraging him to do the same. Slowly he loosens, getting into the laid-back beat, letting himself try a couple of small steps back and forth close to the bed. Her grin deepens as she twirls around.

As the chorus breaks out, she suddenly starts singing along. “ _Can’t you see? How wonderful this love could be? If you just spend it with me”._ Ash is startled by the sound of her voice. Of course, he remembered her mentioning singing with Conner, that second night when she had broken down crying. But he still didn’t expect what he heard. She voice was bright and clear like a bell. He was reminded of how musical her voice sounded when he first heard her speak, even before seeing her for the first time. She glided over the notes, adding subtle motifs and breathy melismas, matching the tone of the song. “ _We could be the happiness we both need, if you just need it with me.”_ Ash briefly wonders if the patients in the next rooms over can hear her singing, but Sarah seems shameless. He smiles, pain in his side completely forgotten as he lets her infectious energy carry him away. _Happiness, huh?_ Maybe, just maybe, he could be happy.

The next few days past in a blur. Every night, Sarah would sleep near his bed, comforting him when the nightmares inevitably came. Every day, Sarah would introduce him to new games or new songs. She would force him to dance with her—even though that mostly consisted of shuffling near the bed—but mostly they would just talk for hours. Sarah seemed to have a never-ending stream of questions and slowly Ash felt his walls crumbling. “What do you think about universal healthcare?” She would ask or “Who are you gonna to vote for in 2020? It’ll be your first election, right?” “Do you believe in God?” “What do you want to do for your career? I bet you could be anything you set your mind to.” “Have you ever read Plato’s Republic? What do you think the perfect society would look like?” “Do you think people can really change?” “What do you think it means to forgive and forget? Like, obviously you still need to protect yourself from people who are actively hurting you, so what does forgiveness look like in that case?”  


Ash didn’t have answers for half of her questions, but Sarah didn’t seem to mind. She would fill in his silence with her own thoughts and musing, talking about her core beliefs as easily as one would discuss what to have for dinner. He learned about her family—she was the youngest of five children—about her father who was a doctor and her mother who was a nurse, about her life constantly on the move due to her father’s job in the military, about how she met Conner in college, about her in-laws who all seemed to suffer from one sort of neurological disorder or another, which was why Conner and she originally became interested in neurology.

Ash decided Sarah was a bit self-absorbed. He added this to his growing list of Sarah’s characteristics. It wasn’t that she wasn’t interested in what other people had to say, she just seemed to enjoy talking about herself quite a lot. Not that Ash minded, he actually enjoyed listening to her ramblings. Her voice was sweet and melodic and her mind was a mesmerizing tornado of never-ending thoughts and questions.

“Do you have any siblings?” She asks on the sixth day.

That question hits a nerve. “Just one. A half-brother, but he died last year.”

Sarah sobers instantly. “Do you think it will ever stop hurting?” Her voice is laced with so much sadness, Ash is reminded that this seemingly carefree woman hides deep suffering inside her. “Sometimes, I go for a whole hour without thinking about him. I wonder if I’ll ever go a whole day.”

“I don’t know.” Ash shrugs helplessly. _Shorter. Griffen. Skip. Even Jennifer. Will I ever go even an hour without thinking of them?_ Compared to him, what did this frivolous woman really know of pain? It was petty to compare their circumstances, Ash knew, but he suddenly felt a twang of bitterness towards her. “How did he die?” Ash asks, trying to keep the sharpness from his voice. Surely nothing she could say would compare to his horrors.

Ash thinks he might have gone too far when the usually talkative nurse doesn’t answer immediately. He looks up to see her face, but it is buried in her hands, her expression hidden from view. He reaches out to touch her shoulder, opens his mouth to tell her she doesn’t have to answer, but stops short when she suddenly responds. “I killed him.”


	5. Confessions

**Confessions**

“I killed him.” Her voice quivers and she sounds like she might be on the verge of tears again, but Ash finds it difficult to care. He is too shocked, too… angry.

“Are you shitting me right now?!” He almost yells.

“Wha?” She looks up, startled, tears brimming in her eyes.

“Did you take a gun to his head and shoot him?!”

“Well… no. Not exactly.”

“Then you didn’t kill him! Jeesh! What is with you people, blaming yourself for everything?!”

“No. You’re right. I do blame myself, maybe too much. My therapist says I need to be more realistic; kinder to myself.” She looks away, sullen, her tears drying up, unshed.

Ash presses his lips together in a thin line, before hissing out a low breath. He counts to ten, trying to calm his temper. “Why do you blame yourself anyways?” He asks in a bit more softly.

“I… I was driving...” She starts; a bit uncertain. “I was trying to make it through a yellow light, turning left. We were t-boned. Conner took the worst of it and I… I… just walked away.”

“But that was clearly an accident! How could you possibly think you killed him?!” He blurts out. _Really, this woman is ridiculous!_

“No. That’s not why... He didn’t die. Not immediately. He… he was taken to the hospital, but he had a serious brain bleed. They wanted to perform a surgery to relieve the pressure, they… they said he had a good chance of recovering full motor and speech function. But…” She pauses, seeming too afraid to continue. Ash holds his breath, cold horror seeping into his veins, replacing the boiling heat of anger he felt just moments ago, as he begins to piece together what she is saying. “My brother-in-law had a traumatic brain injury. He fell from a ladder two years ago and was never the same. He’s horrible now, to his wife and kids. Can’t keep a job down. Conner and I talked about what we would do if anything like that ever happened to us… but… I never really thought… I only had a few minutes to decide. It was an emergency surgery... The surgeon never even considered I would refuse… He was so shocked and... angry... Everyone was... I… I…” She shakes, unable to continue.

“It’s ok. I get it.” All the anger in him drains away as understanding floods through him. “I made the same choice once too.” _Shorter._ She looks up in shock. “I guess I can understand why you blame yourself. I blame myself too.”

“Your brother?” She asks in a shaky voice.

“No, my best friend. Shorter was his name. He… he was poisoned by the mafia. Went crazy and started attacking Eiji. He begged me to release him. I… I shot him.”

Sarah gasped. Ash met her gaze with a grim look. _Yes. Now you understand. Now you get what kind of monster you unwittingly saved from death._ Sarah held his gaze for several seconds, mouth slightly agape, expression unreadable. Then, suddenly she softened and rush into his arms on the bed. “Oh Aslan!” She sobs. “Aslan, Aslan! I’m so sorry! Ugh.” She grunts and sobs, seeming to be unable to control her strong emotions. He feels her tears soaking into his hospital gown and wetting his chest. “That’s… that’s horrible!” She stammers. “I can’t even… I can’t imagine. Oh Aslan! I’m so sorry! I’m the worst! I... I... uhg! Why?! Why am I like this?!”

Ash is too startled by her sudden outburst to know how to respond. He pats her awkwardly on the back. “What are you talking about?” But Sarah just continues to cry, any words she is saying becoming unintelligible. He takes her face in his hands, lifting her up to look at him, but she doesn’t meet his gaze. “Hey, talk to me." Her breathing quickens, becoming deeper and ragged. Her eyes wide with sudden fear, staring down at his shirt while he continues to cup her face. "Hey, What’s gotten into you? You’re kind of scaring me.”

“I’m sorry.” She sobs, pulling her face from his grasp. Her breathing picks up pace. “I… I..." She gasps between sobs. "need to be alone right now.” And before he can react, she jumps off the bed and rushes into the small hospital bathroom inside his room, shutting the heavy door behind her.

_What the hell just happened?_ Ash stares dumbfounded for several minutes, listening to Sarah’s uncontrollable crying echoing in the bathroom. Finally, he pulls himself out of the bed, cringing slightly at the lingering pain in his side, and, picking up the chest tube canister at his feet, walks over to the bathroom door. He knocks once. “Sarah?” She doesn’t respond, but he can still hear her crying. “Hey, can I come in?” Still no response, but the crying seems to soften. He takes that as a good sign and tries the handle. _Not locked._

Sarah is huddled in the corner of the open shower, facing away from the door. He moves up, crouching beside her, as her sobs subside into mere sniffles. Her breathing becomes more regular and she doesn't appear to be in a state of panic as before. He turns her shoulders to face him. Her face is a red, swollen mess and she doesn’t meet his gaze. “I’m… I’m sorry.” She stammers. “I’m so sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?” He asks gently, stroking her long hair out of her face.

“I’m… sorry I said I killed him… when… when… I’m sorry I’m making this all about me right now. I’m sorry that I’m sorry. Ugh! I hate myself so much right now! I should be the one comforting you! Why do I have to feel like this? Why don’t I know what to say?” She breaks down again. Sobs coming more violently and her words becoming unintelligible again. Ash thinks he hears her mutter a few “hate”, “God”, and “please”, but the can’t make out the rest.

He decides to pull her into a hug. She melts into him, her crying softening once again. He strokes her hair, thinking about what she said, trying to make sense of it. “Listen, I didn’t tell you about Shorter to make you feel bad. I… I’m actually grateful that you told me about Conner.”

“Really?” Sarah lifts her head, meeting his gaze with her watery ocean-green eyes.

“Yeah.” He says, pulling her back to his chest. “I… I realized how stupid you sounded blaming yourself for Conner’s death.” Sarah stiffed and tried to pull away from him, but he held her firm. “But then I realized that is how I must sound too. I keep blaming myself for shooting Shorter, but I didn’t cause his death. Not really. He was already dead, who he was... they were both already gone before we made the choice. I think… I think I should try forgiving myself.” He is startled by his own words but remembers their conversation a few days back about forgiveness. _What had Sarah said? “Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. By letting go of bitterness and grudges, you are deciding to not let that person hurt you anymore.” Am I hurting myself, by not forgiving myself?_ “I think you should try to forgive yourself too.”

Sarah nods, relaxing into his increasingly familiar embrace. _Even though you say you hate yourself, you are one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met._ He wants to tell her. But he knows she won’t believe him. Not yet. _Sarah, what are you doing to me? Who am I becoming because of you?_ He pulls her closer, wondering with not a little trepidation, what the future has in store for him. 


	6. Decisions

After a several minutes, a cold calm settles between them as Sarah shifts slightly in his embrace. Sensing her discomfort, he leans back to look at her expression. Her normally warm eyes, usually a tropical rainforest, are icy like a frozen lake. She moves out of his embrace, “Thanks for that.” Her voice is even, almost too calm. “Sometimes my emotions get the better of me and it is difficult for me to control.” She smiles at him, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I was acting pretty crazy just then, right?” A low chuckle escapes her lips as she breaks her gaze away from him.

“Sarah…” He begins, unsure what to say.

“Thanks for comforting me. I feel better now.” Her eyes meet his, gentle and reassuring. She stands up, bracing herself against the tiled wall and taking a couple of slow, deep breathes.

He eyes her cautiously and mumbles, “That’s good.” _Why do I feel like she was trying to reassure me just now?_

She turns towards to bathroom mirror, inspecting her tear-stained face. Running her fingers under her lower lids, she rubs off some smudged mascara. She smiles at herself in the mirror and this time the expression reaches her eyes. Even though they are as red as her cheeks, the way her face crinkles and scrunches up completely obscures the redness. She turns on him suddenly, flashing that bright smile, and Ash is startled by the apparent sincerity in her body language. Again, reminded of her smooth lies, he wonders if his first impression of her as an expert actress was actually accurate. _How many times has she hidden puffy eyes by smiling just like that?_

Her gaze drift to the canister on the floor between them and her smile deepens, excited. “It doesn’t look like you have been draining blood the past few shifts. That’s good. Maybe I should ask Dr. Chen when she plans to remove it?” Her voice has returned to a melodic hypnotic register, no longer pained or cold, and her gaze returns to him, eager and pleased.

The mood swings give him a mental whiplash. _Who is the real Sarah?_ He wonders bewildered. _She says it is difficult for her to control her emotions, yet in a matter of minutes she as flipped from distraught to indifferent, then concerned and… happy?_ She turns, opening the bathroom door and stepping back into the room proper.

“I’m going to go talk to Jane about it.”

As she starts to walk off, he grabs her wrist. “Wait. Sarah.” She stops but doesn’t turn around. “Please, don’t go. Tell me the truth.” He feels awkward talking to her back, holding her arm to keep her close, but she doesn’t move a muscle as he continues. “That was a panic attack just now. Right?”

Her sigh is audible, but she turns around, her expression unreadable. “Let’s sit down first.” She responds flatly. Ash tries to place that look, but despite how expressive and open she appears to be most of the time, he is reminded he has only known her for six days. He puzzles over her odd behavior as she guides him to the hospital bed. Once sitting down on the edge next to him, she sighs again, eyes closed, but not completely relaxed. _Stressed? Exhaustion perhaps?_

“I’ve only had them a few times in my life. Usually, I veer more towards depression than anxiety. I… I’m sorry for running away like that.”

Ash nods, thinking back on the night she said she didn’t want to live without Conner. “So… you have depression?”

“Not really? Sort of?” She shrugs. “It comes and goes. I used to think it was seasonal affect disorder, but recently I’ve been leaning more towards atypical depression. I can still feel happy. Sometimes I just get… hopeless? It’s like my mind spirals into the worst possible conclusions and then everything that doesn’t usually bother me suddenly seems terribly overwhelming. Like I’m trapped by all the choices I’ve made and the only logical thing to do is…” She stops, but he knows what she is thinking. It disturbs him slightly to hear her say it, but a part of him also understands all too well. Its how he felt when he was living with Dino—like death was the only out. He had never wished for his death before and even now, after losing everything and everyone, the prospect doesn’t appeal to him. But… at one point… it did.

He rubs her slumped shoulders softly, encouraging her to continue, even as she keeps her gaze firmly on the ground. “I actually really appreciate you coming to comfort me. I tend to spiral when I’m alone, but I also push people away. Rather self-destructive of me, really. So, thanks, for saving me.” She looks up when she says she last sentence again meeting her with those kind eyes. The exhaustion— _yes that’s definitely the right word—_ still lingers, but it is ameliorated slightly by something else.

This time Ash looks away, suddenly feeling flushed. He thinks of Eiji saying something similar. _Thanks for saving me._ “Don’t feel like you have to pretend in front of me.” He suddenly blurts out. “Whatever it is, you can talk to me about it and I’ll stay with you. So, don’t push me away. Ok?”

“Sounds like a proposal.” Sarah teases lightly, bumping his shoulder.

Ash stares flatly at her. “I’m being serious here Sarah. You’ve helped me out a lot and well… I want to help you too.”

“Ash, you don’t owe me anything. I want to help you… probably for my own selfish reasons.”

“I know.” He says simply, her words confirming his suspicions. “Even still, your motives aren’t as selfish as you think. When I met Eiji, I didn’t get why he helped me. No one had ever helped me before without expecting something in return. In a way he did get something in return though. Me being safe: it made him happy. It’s the same for you right? You want me to live—to live with Eiji—because it will make you happy.” She nods sheepishly. “Before Eiji, I could never even imagine someone helping me without ulterior motives. So, when he helped me for no other reason than wanting to make me happy, it changed me. We became bonded. Even though he never asked for anything in return, I protected him and that sparked a cycle of us supporting one another. It wasn’t really about paying each other back… just accepting that our happiness depended on each other.” Emerald eyes met wide eyes as she looked up at him, mouth slightly agape. “He taught me… about friendship. And now… we’re friends. You started this cycle, so... just let me be there for you? Talk to me, whenever you need to.”

She nods slowly before breaking eye contact, “Yeah. That sounds nice.” She whispers. She smiles slightly, fidgeting with her fingers and he can feel another tease coming on even before it leaves her lips. “But I’m warning you, you might be offering more than you bargained for! I can talk on the phone for hours! Or maybe video chat would be better to avoid long-distance charges?”

“Wha-?” He starts bewildered.

“What app do they use in Japan anyways? Skype? Zoom?”

Anger suddenly flares up as he realizes what she is talking about. “I told you! I’m not-”

“What if…” He stops, noticing her sheepish expression. “What if I came with you?”

Ash’s mind full stops, he can almost hear the gears grinding to a sudden halt.

During the past few days, he had idly wondered about what he would do once he left the hospital. How could he not think about the future a little? Going to Japan like Sarah suggested was out of the question. But leaving the city might not be a bad idea. He still had a little cash stowed away in the apartment he and Eiji had shared. Going back would be risky, but most of his enemies were dead anyways. If he could get a little cash, he could buy a new identity and start over. Maybe get a job in a library in some quiet town. What he really worried about was running into Max or Sing at the apartment. Then again, maybe he shouldn’t be avoiding them anyways. As Golzine’s adopted son, he had technically inherited several prosperous corporations, even if they were all corrupt. Should he try cleaning them up? Take down the mafia from within? Even though he had cut off their head, Ash wasn’t sure another wouldn’t spring up in Dino’s place, _like a hydra._ With Sing and Max, maybe he really could dismantle the mafia once and for all. But then there was the matter of the warrant out for his arrest. Skipping town was definitely the safest choice. He didn’t really need the money in the apartment anyways. He could figure some other way to get a fake ID.

But then, there was Sarah. Every time he thought about leaving New York, he thought about her and he couldn’t concentrate on planning ahead. He tried to brush the thought out of his mind, but it gnawed at him, nagging him constantly like a ticking clock that was just a little too loud to ignore. It didn’t help that she was constantly there. Whenever he would steal a glance at her, she seemed to sense his gaze and would instantly flash him her brightest smile. Logically he knew that he would eventually be discharged. Once he did, she would no longer have any reason to pretend he was her husband. They would have no reason to see each other anymore. She had taken leave from work for almost a week already, but she would need to go back once her “husband” had recovered. Then, whatever he ended up doing, it would be too dangerous to risk contacting her again.

But the more time Ash spent with Sarah, the more uncomfortable he became with the idea of just… never seeing her again. He had already lost so many people. Couldn’t he have one friend? Someone who wasn’t connected to all that banana fish shit? Someone like who Eiji used to be? Apart from it all? Someone who made him feel… normal? _Shorter, Skip, Eiji, Griffin. I probably won’t ever see Blanca again and I don’t think my old man wants to see me again after what happened last time. Not that I care. Max was more of a father than he or Dino ever were. But Max just got his own family back. I can’t risk him going to jail again if the police find out he was my accomplice._ Truthfully, he hadn’t intended to get close to anyone ever again. He had come to peace with being alone forever.

So why, why couldn’t he let go? _Is it just because she is strange and intriguing? Do I just want to figure her out? No, it’s not just that. For the first time in my life, I’m… having fun._ As difficult as it was to admit, Ash enjoyed her company. _That’s a pretty selfish reason to put her in danger! Maybe I feel indebted to her? She clearly still grieving the loss of her husband. Could I help her in some way? She probably could use a friend she can be honest with, instead of lying all the time. Ulg! Stop trying to justify it! Didn’t she say she was close with her sister? She’s got people that know the truth, so I should just distance myself after I get out. But does her sister know she has been lying to her coworkers about her husband still being alive? Well, she did say she had a therapist. I’m sure she will be fine without me… eventually._ Around and around his mind went, distracting him whenever Sarah didn’t occupy him with conversations, games, or music.

But then she says that. _What if I came with you?_ His mind reeled at her words.

“I mean, if Trump is reelected, I already told my parents I wasn’t staying in America.” She laughed, but her joke barely registered. “I’ve always been intrigued about living in Japan. I hear it is super safe. Really low crime rate. Actually, I went to Tokyo with my sister-in-law two years ago. It was very beautiful, but we mostly stayed inside the city. I would love to see the countryside. Where does Eiji live?”

“Uh… What?!”

“Eiji? You don’t talk about him much, but I bet he isn’t a city boy! You seem the type who would be attracted to an old-fashioned country kid. Am I right?”

Ash stares, bewildered. “Sarah, are you crazy?!” He almost yells.

“I mean, yeah, a little. But, like, twenty percent of America has some kind of mental illness, so-”

“Sarah be serious!” He grabs her by the shoulders forcing her to look at him.

Whatever sarcastic comment she was about to make dies on her lips as her smirk fades. “Aslan, I am being serious.” He gulps at her use of his real name. _She really is serious._

“Why?” He whispers, confused.

She sighs. “Well, lots of reasons. Partly because I’m a coward. I ran away from everyone who knew Conner, trying to forget the past. But I ended up dragging the past with me and living a lie. I’m too afraid to fess up now to everyone here, but, honestly, I don’t feel any obligation to tell anyone here the truth. It isn’t really any of their business, but I also can’t keep lying. I suppose I could go back, but I worry that would just as bad. It’s not like I really want to forget about him, but I also don’t want to constantly be reminded of him. I thought I wanted to live closer to my family, that’s why I came to the East Coast. I knew if I were here, I could see my folks and my sister more often, every holiday, some weekend trips. But… it isn’t exactly what I imagined. I love them, but honestly… their ‘help’ is really exhausting sometimes. My mom will never admit it, but she never liked Conner and I think she wants me to remarry. And my sister has all this drama with her husband still going on and I can’t bring myself to complain to her. I mean… I made the choice she couldn’t and what if she… resents me? I’m rambling again, aren’t I?”

“It’s ok.” Ash mumbles.

Sarah sighs. “I think I just need some distance right now and well… I also need a friend. Someone on the outside.” _Someone apart from it all._ Ash gasps, surprise and understanding flooding into him. She smiles, meeting his gaze. “Ash, I know it is a lot to ask and I probably sound crazy—I mean we’ve only known each other for six days—but you make me feel… normal. Reading, playing games, dancing, talking. I loved all those things before I met Conner, but with everyone else those things just remind me of him. With you… I can forget and yet… somehow not? The pain is still there, but maybe the longing is less?” She hesitates, appearing afraid to continue, like she is about to confess a terrible sin. He squeezes her hand, encouraging her to continue. “The past few days… I’ve been able to escape… Escape the constant wanting… constantly wishing he were here. I’ve… gone an hour without thinking about him.” She smiles weakly, looking at him with hopeful eyes. “Please come with me to Japan? Wow, I really do sound nuts?” She laughs mirthlessly. “Asking for a guy to move to a foreign country with me who I know next to nothing about! But we’re friends right? And maybe Eiji could be my friend too? You said you were bonded right? How could I be happy knowing my friend wasn’t with his soulmate? I could help you find him… help you move forward with _him_ and you could help me move on without _him_?”

Ash smiles at her poetic phrasing. She really was quite cheeky sometimes. “Ok.” He says simply, making up his mind.

“Really? You mean it?” She sputters, a bit surprised by his sudden change.

“Yeah. I know when I’ve lost an argument. Eiji is just as stubborn.” He smiles remembering when Eiji had insisted on staying with him after stealing Charlie’s car. “We’ll go to Japan and start a new life. Together.”


End file.
